Rory Stewart Tory Leadership Bid Kicks off in Comedy Club (Really!)

To be fair, the name Rory Stewart does seem more like the name of an up and coming Scottish comedian, than it does of the next British (or English depending on how you look at it) prime minister.

However, as we pointed out recently, Rory Stewart does seem to do everything differently. Whilst most Conservative leadership candidates took most of their standard drugs, cocaine and cannabis, at university, Rory did it whilst walking across Asia, smoking exotic opium with the locals.

And now, rather than launch his leadership bid for the Conservative Party leadership in a swanky venue or hotel like the other candidates, Rory has, perhaps fittingly, plumped for a comedy club.

That’s according to The Guardian’s live feed reporting on the launch, that could be fake news of course, but what was to come during the launch was even more surreal than the choice of venue.

Rory Stewart Comedy Night
Screenshot from Guardian live feed

During his opening pitch, Rory made a number of pledges and he started off with a tremendous chunk of bullshit, ” On the one side, there is a fairy story. And on the other there is realism.”

This does sound a bit Dubya, “you’re either with us or against us,” but as things progressed it became apparent that the enemy may not have been defined in the current Tory de jour form.

It turned out the enemy was not Corbyn and the Labour Party but the other Conservative Leadership candidates. Rory’s leadership bid instantly morphed into candidature by catharsis as he threw aside the shackles of the Conservative whip.

Rory pledged he would get every civil servant to have a sign on their desk saying, ‘Would you be proud to put your mother or brother or sister in this hospital?”

It was never made clear, however, which hospital it was that all the civil servants would be working in, and why. The opium it appeared, even though it might have been a small amount and of low quality, had done its job. Rory was off on one.

Rory went on to speak in Sufi parables that may have been inscrutable to the average Conservativehome subscriber, but as he spoke, one had to wonder how the hell he had ended up as a Conservative Party leadership candidate. Was this some kind of witchcraft?

And then, the grand plan came out.

If he won, Rory was going to walk through every county in the UK “listening to people.” And after listening he will convert what he is told into energy to convert the UK into a better nation. That bloke in the white druid dress, in King Arthurs Arms in Tintagel used to say similar things, before he put the jubebox on and found god in Soul II Soul every night.

Then Rory announced his resignation from the government by suggesting he would vote with the Labour Party to prevent the Tories running down the clock to a no deal Brexit. Then, afterwards, he announced he would not be resigning after all because now he had read the Labour motion and the opium had worn off.

And with that, he was gone. Until next time.

UK Conservative Leadership Candidates on Drugs

Here’s a handy guide to the current Conservative Party leadership candidates that have used drugs and their hypocritical and in some cases laughably pathetic excuses for doing so

Michael Gove Drug User (Cocaine)

After a lifetime of telling us drugs are bad and sending hundreds of thousands of drug users to prison, it turns out that the upper echelons of the Conservative party have somewhat of a penchant for illegal mind altering substances.

Yes, that’s right, the very people who have tasked themselves with a losing drug war battle that sees young children being forced into county lines gangs to supply illicit substances to middle Englanders in the shires, turn out to be the middle Englanders in the shires who have been taking the drugs themselves.

Whoever would have thought that the morally upstanding, stiff upper lip, leaders of the Conservative Party would have been smoking and snorting the substances that they’ve been warning us ruin lives, themselves.

Here’s a handy guide to the current Conservative Party leadership candidates that have used drugs and their hypocritical and in some cases laughably pathetic excuses for doing so…..

Michael Gove, Drug User: Cocaine

Michael Gove’s (Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs of the United Kingdom and Conservative Party leadership candidate) admission that he took cocaine on numerous occasions back in the nineties was the flame that lit the blue touch paper of the latest Conservative drug scandal.

Gove said of his experience to The Daily Mail:

“I took drugs on several occasions at social events more than 20 years ago,” he told the Daily Mail. “At the time I was a young journalist. It was a mistake. I look back and I think, I wish I hadn’t done that.”

Dominic Raab, Drug User: Cannabis

Dominic Raab Drug User (Cannabis)

Dominic Raab (served as Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union from 9 July to 15 November 2018 and current Conservative Party leadership candidate) has admitted to smoking Cannabis whilst being a student, he said of his experience:

“It was a long time ago and pretty few and far between. I have never taken cocaine or any class-A drugs.”

Jeremy Hunt, Drug User (Cannabis)

Jeremy Hunt, Drug User
Jeremy Hunt, Drug User (Cannabis)

Jeremy Hunt (Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs and Conservative Party Leadership Candidate) “thinks” he had a cannabis lassi whilst backpacking in India. His thoughts on taking the mind-altering substance were too boring to print.

Boris Johnson, Drug User (Cocaine and Cannabis)

Boris Johnson, Drug User
Boris Johnson, Drug User (Cocaine and Cannabis)

Boris Johnson (former London Mayor and also former Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs – a position from which he was sacked for incompetence and Conservative Party leadership candidate) has admitted to taking cocaine and cannabis whilst at university. He expects us to believe that:

” it achieved no pharmacological, psychotropic or any other effect on me whatsoever”.

….and further still

“I think I was once given cocaine, but I sneezed and so it did not go up my nose. In fact, I may have been doing icing sugar.”

Andrea Leadsom, Drug User (Cannabis)

Andrea Leadsom, Drug User
Andrea Leadsom, Drug User (Cannabis)

Andrea Leadsom (Leader of the House of Commons from 2017 to 2019 and Conservative Party leadership candidate) has admitted to smoking cannabis as a student, an experience about which she believes:

” Everyone is entitled to a private life before becoming an MP. “

…..and of course she threw in the old classic:

” I have never taken cocaine or class A drugs.”

Matt Hancock, Drug User (Cannabis)

Matt Hancock, Drug User
Matt Hancock, Drug User (Cannabis)

Matt Hancock (Secretary of State for Health and Social Care and Conservative Party leadership candidate) “tried cannabis a few times as a student but has not taken any illicit drugs since.”

Rory Stewart, Drug User (Opium)

Rory Stewart
Rory Stewart, Drug User (Opium)

Rory Stewart (Secretary of State for International Development of the United Kingdom and Conservative Party Leadership Candidate) has to do everything differently it seems, Stewart said of his drug experience:

“I was invited into the house, the opium pipe was passed around at a wedding,” he said, adding that the family may have been so poor that they put very little opium into the pipe.”

…..so that means it was probably OK if he inhaled. Of course. Of course.

Conservative Leadership Candidate Brexit Truth Shocker

In a shocking development a candidate for the Conservative leadership has told his own party and the British public at large a fact about Brexit that probably resembles something approaching the truth.

Rory Stewart, who unlike all the other candidates actually appears to have lived a life, walked his talk and has a tongue that actually says something worth listening to, rather than using it to kiss Donald Trump’s backside has stated something that, whilst it might be common knowledge elsewhere, is having a hard time registering with the Tory faithful.

Stewart told the BBC that any candidate for Tory leader “promising to renegotiate by October was effectively committing to leaving without a deal, because it was impossible.

So there you have it Boris Johnson and Co’s leadership pitches are hurtling the UK to a no-deal disaster by promising the impossible.

Boris Johnson – Beware those who seek monsters…..

So, who is Rory Stewart exactly?

According to Wikipedia, Stewart was a coalition official in Iraq in 2003–04.He is known for his book about this experience, Occupational Hazards or The Prince of the Marshes, and for his 2002 walk across Afghanistan (part of a larger walk across Asia), which served as the basis for his bestseller, The Places in Between, as well as his later cultural development work in Afghanistan as executive chairman of the British charity Turquoise Mountain Foundation.

So this guy sounds like he has some balls as well. And he’s listening to people and trying to give them some truth. Which is probably why he is a 25-1 outsider for the Tory leadership.

Shame, he sounds like the most interesting guy they have.

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