Rory Stewart Tory Leadership Bid Kicks off in Comedy Club (Really!)

To be fair, the name Rory Stewart does seem more like the name of an up and coming Scottish comedian, than it does of the next British (or English depending on how you look at it) prime minister.

However, as we pointed out recently, Rory Stewart does seem to do everything differently. Whilst most Conservative leadership candidates took most of their standard drugs, cocaine and cannabis, at university, Rory did it whilst walking across Asia, smoking exotic opium with the locals.

And now, rather than launch his leadership bid for the Conservative Party leadership in a swanky venue or hotel like the other candidates, Rory has, perhaps fittingly, plumped for a comedy club.

That’s according to The Guardian’s live feed reporting on the launch, that could be fake news of course, but what was to come during the launch was even more surreal than the choice of venue.

Rory Stewart Comedy Night
Screenshot from Guardian live feed

During his opening pitch, Rory made a number of pledges and he started off with a tremendous chunk of bullshit, ” On the one side, there is a fairy story. And on the other there is realism.”

This does sound a bit Dubya, “you’re either with us or against us,” but as things progressed it became apparent that the enemy may not have been defined in the current Tory de jour form.

It turned out the enemy was not Corbyn and the Labour Party but the other Conservative Leadership candidates. Rory’s leadership bid instantly morphed into candidature by catharsis as he threw aside the shackles of the Conservative whip.

Rory pledged he would get every civil servant to have a sign on their desk saying, ‘Would you be proud to put your mother or brother or sister in this hospital?”

It was never made clear, however, which hospital it was that all the civil servants would be working in, and why. The opium it appeared, even though it might have been a small amount and of low quality, had done its job. Rory was off on one.

Rory went on to speak in Sufi parables that may have been inscrutable to the average Conservativehome subscriber, but as he spoke, one had to wonder how the hell he had ended up as a Conservative Party leadership candidate. Was this some kind of witchcraft?

And then, the grand plan came out.

If he won, Rory was going to walk through every county in the UK “listening to people.” And after listening he will convert what he is told into energy to convert the UK into a better nation. That bloke in the white druid dress, in King Arthurs Arms in Tintagel used to say similar things, before he put the jubebox on and found god in Soul II Soul every night.

Then Rory announced his resignation from the government by suggesting he would vote with the Labour Party to prevent the Tories running down the clock to a no deal Brexit. Then, afterwards, he announced he would not be resigning after all because now he had read the Labour motion and the opium had worn off.

And with that, he was gone. Until next time.

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